One of the most traumatic periods of my life was my separation in 2011 and divorce in 2012. Over a six-year period I hosted a blog in which I reflected on that experience, partly as self-therapy and partly in the hope that my reflections might help others in similar circumstances.
The blog was initially published at www.unobservedgrief.com under the pseudonym N. W. Clerk. Although that domain name no longer exists, the blog is still available here and here.
The preface to the blog said …
After 19 years of marriage, my wife says that although she has the highest regard for me, she doesn’t want to be my wife any more. I feel very lonely, but it seems to me that I am far from alone.
I have started this blog to express some of my pain and to create a communal space for other men in similar positions. It is my hope that we will find support and courage from each others’ experience.
In 1961, C. S. Lewis lost his wife to cancer. His diary from that time was later published in a slim book called “A Grief Observed”. This was the same man who authored the Narnia series: an English academic and Christian apologist. I titled this blog in homage to him.
The process of grieving after a spouse’s death is well-recognised and we have traditions and social patterns for supporting those walking in those horrible shadow lands. We have no such traditions or patterns for separation and divorce. The grief of that loss is as great, but rarely expressed in public. It remains private and unobserved.
Some observations by Ellie Wymard closely mirror my thinking. She quotes Cathleen Fanslow Brunjes as saying:
Bear in mind that with divorce there’s not a body to mourn. It’s disenfranchised grief. The attendant rituals are missing: there’s no wake or funeral. The day the divorce is finalized may pass unnoticed. Family and friends aren’t bringing food and casseroles. From society’s viewpoint, you couldn’t make the marriage work, or you weren’t right together anyway. So expressions of grief are somehow unacceptable. Friends grow impatient.
A little later she says that “Husbands who are betrayed frequently claim that a wife’s death would have been easier to absorb than the reality of her leaving for another man or in search of freedom.” She also quotes Douglas Gillette:
When a man is voted against — when his sexuality, capacity to protect, provide, excite is found wanting — it’s a disastrous blow to self-worth. Men feel abandoned. There’s no other message when a wife leaves a husband.
All so true, for me at least.
Archive
The majority of my posts, without any comments or the supporting pages, are archived in this PDF …